Author’s note: this one’s a bit difficult for me to put out there as it holds feelings I’ve held in for a long time as well as experiences that have hurt me too. I hope whoever else shares the same sentiment when it comes to past dreams can find comfort in feeling seen. It’s okay to let certain dreams go, especially when they’ve hurt you in the process of evolving. If I didn’t let this one go, I wouldn’t be here pursuing the one I truly want now. There is hope :”)
September 22nd, 2025: 6 PM
Some days, I mourn for my younger self and the pain they endured. All the things she wished she could’ve said to defend herself, but instead fell into silence with a head dropped in defeat. People saying they couldn’t do what they dreamed of doing, adults telling a child this. What was the purpose of crushing her dreams? Did it bring those “adults” joy? Saying she was never enough left a deep wound for years to follow.
Some days, the pain from it still lingers whenever there is a mention of certain dreams I used to have as a child.
I wanted to be a violinist, a part of a symphony, and I wanted to play music for others. I thought I was capable of doing it; I know I was, but my teacher, who taught me, destroyed that hope in a second. I don’t know if I will ever be able to let that resentment go because I will always seek justice for others, yearn for it. The younger me deserved it.
It hasn’t been until the last couple of years that I have worked on healing those parts of me that were scarred by bad experiences.
For years, I couldn’t even listen to classical music because of the sorrow it reminded me of, how it reminded me of a love that had died, along with the instrument I cherished for so many years, and the phases of my adolescent life.
Now, I listen to it as I write the feelings of past traumas down, and I am proud of myself. I’ve come a long way since I left behind a dream I used to have after the world continuously told me not to do it. It was a heartbreak difficult to describe in words, but to put it simply, it was a first-love type of heartbreak. Though I’ve been through that too, I could never compare it to the love I had for the instrument I was bonded with.
It was my craft.
However, no one really talks about the dark side of wanting to pursue such a dream in a symphonic type of world. It’s a completely different planet, atmosphere, and way of life. Now come to think of it, I don’t think I ever would have felt like I belonged. The prestigious energy would have swallowed me whole in its negativity. The egotistical mindsets would have fought against everything I believed in.
It was not meant for me, I know that now.
Nevertheless, I will always mourn for my younger self’s dreams because, despite it all, they were filled with love and hope. A wish to spread a kind of joy to others’ lives, even for a short period of time. Innocence and sincerity. An energy that only true artists radiate. In an ideal world, that would be the only kind of artists to exist, but unfortunately, they are clouded by the prejudice of the privileged and nepotists who suck the life out of the art form.
