It’ll Never Be Easy, But It’ll Always Be Worth It

CL’s note:

Oh wow! Here we are! This is it! This is my very first blog post. I did it! Happy launch day of my moonkive! Moonkive has been in the works for more than a year and I have been writing excerpts (similar to diary/journal entries) since 2025. Today I share with you one of many past excerpts in no particular order! We will be going through the archives together until we reach the present but for now, let’s enter my archive, my moonkive.

April 15^th, 2026: 2:01 PM

It’s been a few months since I’ve sat down and wrote an entry but sometimes life feels so shit that even the thing you love most, in my case, writing, is difficult to do. I spent the holiday season, reflecting, spiraling, and overall ruminating over things from the past. I felt a lot of emotions spring up during those winter months. I spent time in therapy with a lovely therapist for those months up until recently who helped me process certain emotions and situations that I didn’t even know how to begin with processing.

Then again, processing is hard for me. It always has been. Although I learned how to identify feelings through years of therapy as a child, I still struggle with it often and these past couple months I have found myself getting frustrated with my brain. Why? Multiple reasons, life circumstances, and not being the nicest to myself have all contributed to this frustration or maybe it’s simply built up anger.

I don’t like feeling angry.

I never have and I don’t believe I’ve been truly angry very much in my lifetime thus far. I’m not as familiar with that emotion as much as others one. Partially due to the environment I’ve grown up in where it was never really welcome to express. However, it wasn’t until this past year that I felt it seep through the controlled crevices of my mind, inviting itself in.

And they were unwelcome.

Now you see, I have learned anger comes out in all sorts of forms depending on the person. We see it portrayed through the media we consume each day, we see it in the characters we love, and eventually we start to recognize the look of it on our own faces when we glance in the mirror on a particularly bad day.

We grow accustomed throughout the years of how to mask our emotions away to the point of numbness.

Our only release or expression of it only comes out in the comfort of our bedrooms or in a bathroom where you’re hiding away from the world. But, you know what? I’ve gotten exhausted from doing this my entire life and in these last few months, I came to the decision that this needed to come to an end. I don’t want unhealthy ways of coping anymore. I don’t want to hide it all inside until I explode in tears. I can’t do it anymore. It’s taking too much of a physical toll on me these days.

So I’ve decided to work on changing just that.

Although I’m still in survivor mode because of the circumstances right now in my life, I am actively working towards making a change in it one day at a time.